Sexist Jokes




	For Sale By Owner Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £100.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f*ing everything. Instructions for using the new 'drive-through' cashpoint machines Can you all note that with the arrival of the new 'Drive-Through' cashpoint machine, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicle. To enable users to utilise this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. Male or Female) and remember them for when you first use the machines. Male Procedure Drive up to cash machine Wind down window Insert card and enter PIN Enter amount of cash to withdraw Retrieve card, cash and receipt Wind up window Drive off Female Procedure Drive up to cash machine Reverse back 1 metre to align window to machine Stall engine Wind down window Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card Check make-up in rear view mirror Attempt to insert card into machine Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine Insert card Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN number written on inside Insert wrong PIN, press cancel and enter correct PIN Enter amount of cash to withdraw Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror Retrieve cash and receipt Locate purse and place cash inside Locate cheque book to file receipt Check make-up again Drive forward for 2 metres Reverse back to cash machine Retrieve card Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot Recheck make-up Restart engine and pull off Release handbrake The Right Woman for the Job The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. "Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." How to take a shower Female procedure Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found until you've got a red blotch far more noticeable than the original zit. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom. Spend an hour and a half getting dressed. Male procedure Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) Wash your face Wash your armpits Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Wash your privates and surrounding area. Wash your arse, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower) then knock out another fart. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time. Partial dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom and fan light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. Under the influence A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man "Was I all over the road?" "No" replies the policeman,"You were driving splendidly, it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious." Sexism Studies New GCSE examination paper SEXISM STUDIES Time allowed 3 hrs Attempt all questions Section A (50%) 1. Explain why the best women's cricket team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer:- a) Why they throw the ball like spastics and catch crocodile style b) What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the showers after the match. 2. Pamela Anderson's breasts are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the rela- tive merits of plastic and real breasts for recreational purposes. 3. It is a long established fact that fat chicks are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians. Or:- Compare and contrast video lesbi- ans with those you have encountered in real life. 4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mate's house while his parents were away for the weekend:- a) White Water Shafting b) Three Into One Will Go c) Up and Coming d) Speared By Zulu Lovers. Include in your discussion a justification for such films to be considered "art-house" rather than pornographic. 5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss Section B (50%) 6. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match. 7. Name something a woman has invented. 8. On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor granddad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired. 9. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa with- out ever having seen, let alone driven, either. 10. Discuss the philosophical implications of this statement: "If a man speaks in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?" Women's Training Courses Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only WomenNotice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only World Women's Conference At the 2000 World Women's Conference the first speaker from Canada stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered again. The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "Efter last year's Conference ah went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel. Efter the first day ah saw nuhin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuhin'. But efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o ma left eye." Differences between the sexes NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. LISTENING** What a woman says: "C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now. What a man hears: "C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, NOW.